Published on May 21, 2011 by Norman Li, M.B.A., Ph.D. in The Bottom Line
Ever wondered if someone you're
attracted to likes you or not, whether someone is your friend or foe, or
whether your employees respect you? There's an easy way to find out...
try to make them laugh. If the laughter comes easy, the answer is likely
yes. If it doesn't, the answer is likely no.
In my bachelor
days, I spent many years slowly learning about the ins and outs of the
mating market. Somewhere along the way, I noticed one fairly consistent
dynamic: whenever a woman I recently met and was talking to would say to
me, "You're really funny!", she would always be up for going out with
me. In contrast, if I asked someone out who had not laughed at my
ever-so-witty remarks, I would often hear about a mysterious boyfriend
or busy schedule.
In my first corporate job, I was working on a
project team for a few months where I didn't really like my two
supervisors all that much. Although I never explicitly told them that, I
may have nonetheless communicated my disdain: I didn't laugh at their
jokes. To me, they were mostly lame, sometimes offensive. However, the
other guys on the project team would always laugh as if the supervisors
were highly skilled entertainers. The implications became clear on the
day that we all received our performance reviews. While those other guys
were smiling at their glowing reviews, I was left wondering whether my
subpar appraisal might've been better had I laughed at any of those
jokes.
Many years later in grad school (my advisor was Prof. Douglas Kenrick
-- now, there's a truly funny guy), I transformed these and many
related observations into a psychological theory on humor. I proposed
that humor may have evolved as a way to indicate interest toward
potential and existing relationships with romantic partners, friends,
allies, family members, etc. That is, people initiate humor and gauge
the reaction in order to test the social waters. And, just as you're
more likely to dab your foot into the pool if you're actually
contemplating a swim, you are more likely to be interested in some kind
of relationship with a person if you initiate any kind of humor towards
them. If the other person is also interested, they should be more likely
to perceive you as humorous and respond favorably (laugh), even if
you're objectively not all that funny. However, if they're really not
interested, then they probably won't find humor in what you say, even if
it's your best material.
When
we meet new people, it may take a while to figure out whether a
relationship (of any kind) is desirable. By initiating humor and
responding to it, we can indicate the direction of our interest a little
at a time. Similarly, for ongoing relationships, people may have a need
to monitor how the relationships are going. Humorous exchange among
existing partners or friends allows people to indicate whether they are
satisfied or aligned with each other. For example, while working on this
theory back in 2002, I noticed one day that my romantic partner was no
longer laughing at some of the silly little things that I said or did
that used to make her laugh. I told her all about the theory but she
insisted that her lack of laughter had nothing to do with
dissatisfaction -- she was just worried about other things.
Well, a few months later, the relationship crumbled: we separated and
never got back together. It turns out that the time when she started not
laughing at my jokes was exactly when she started confiding in others.
Humor
may serve many functions, but the "interest indicator" theory says that
an important one is to indicate relationship interest, whether among
potential or ongoing mates, friends, and allies, or among family
members. In this way, a humorous exchange feels good because it
indicates that the people who we like also like us. On the flipside, a
failed humor attempt can sting not necessarily because our joke is being
rejected but because we are being rejected.
My colleagues and I ran three studies to test this theory in the mating domain (Li, Griskevicius, Durante, Jonason, Pasisz, & Aumer, 2009). Take a look for more details or listen here.
In the meantime, take notice of who makes you laugh and who you are
able to make laugh. Just as importantly, beware of those who aren't laughing.
