Eyes and Emotion

Eye contact is not the same as your eyes’ response to emotional stimuli. Your eyes’ response to emotions or outside stimuli, such as tearing up at a sad movie, cannot be easily manipulated, but eye contact can be. It takes little effort to shift your eyes away or look your gaze.

Your emotional eye responses, such as tearing up, can elicit a similar reaction in another person. Research has shown that prolonged direct eye contact can actually increase another person’s heat rate and speed of breathing. In extreme cases, acceleration in breathing and change in heart rate can leave a person hyper-ventilating or with a “fluttery” feeling, not unlike the feeling of falling in love. No coincidence, since one of the behaviours of the early stages of love is direct and prolonged eye contact.

Genders, cultures, and groups view eye contact frequently. Direct and prolonged eye contact is more prevalent in Western cultures and is seen as a sign of respect when talking to a person in a superior position. In Eastern cultures, however, it can be a sign of disrespect to look directly at a superior. Although this is changing, make note to understand the different norms regarding eye contact when meeting people from other countries and cultures. Businesses also have cultures. Eye contact norms can vary with all types of cultures.

Women typically hold eye contact longer than men. The more intimate the conversation, the longer the direct eye contact. As mentioned earlier, direct, prolonged eye contact elevates the heart rate. Between men the elevated heart rate can give a false sense of confrontation, aggression, or not being safe. If you have a hard time building rapport with a man, try standing side by side- both of you facing forward- looking and talking out into the foreground or down to the ground in an aw-shucks*, just-two-guys kicking-dirt position. This position when other attempts at rapport have failed.

The most important thing to remember is to always watch for cues from the other person or the group to understand when and how much eye contact to see how long it is comfortable for both parties. With a bit of practice it becomes natural. When the communication is friendly, and all signs are positive, eye contact comes and goes naturally.

Making comfortable eye contact while talking shows composure and conveys that you are paying attention, especially when you accompany it with a gentle nod. Look away from time to time, even if it’s at the floor, to make the communication seem more natural. Extended eye contact can mean there is either a strong interest or worry about safety. Since the same behaviour can mean multiple things, we must rely on other factors to have a true understanding of how much eye contact is appropriate. The boss has much more latitude with extended eye contact, or lack thereof, than the employee. The higher an individual’s status, the more latitude they have in breaking the social norms, especially facial expressions, including eye contact.

aw-shucks* - seeming to be modest, self-deprecating, or shy

   

Cleaning Up Your Language

from Neuro-linguistic Programming for Dummies by Romilla Ready and Kate Burton

Have you ever wondered how many questions you ask that make assumptions based on what you want, and your map of reality, rather than what the other person wants? As human beings it’s very hard not to project our ideas, our needs, our wants, and enthusiasms on to others – especially those closest to us. Your influence other people all the time. You just can’t help it. For that reason, most questions are not clean – they assume something, as in the famous 

                   ‘When did you stop beating your wife?’ question.

Even the one small word beating will have different meanings for each of us. Did you think of beating in the context of physical violence or did you think of it in the competitive sense of winning at a sport or game?

Therapists go into many years of training to work with their clients like a ‘clean’ mirror that can simply reflect the client’s issues back to them to deliberate on. Some get to shine brighter than others! After all, you already know how much you can communicate just through one raised eyebrow or suppressed giggle. (This was why Freud had his clients lying on a couch while he, as the therapist, sat behind the client’s head.

If you want to be respectful of other people’s views, then notice how well you can avoid prejudicing the result of a discussion. Are you telling somebody else what to do based on what you would do yourself?

Listen for what you say and if you hear yourself issuing instructions that begin with the words like: you must, you should, you ought to, you can’t – then it’s time to stop directing the action and imposing your stance on others.

Let’s suppose you are coaching someone. Maybe it’s a colleague, a friend, or a member of your family. In coaching session, it’s essential to begin with a clear aim in mind. So you might ask:

               ‘What do we want to work on today?’

The question is simple, direct, and focuses attention on the fact that you’re working on something.

Coaching is about exploring and challenging clients, leading them on to take responsibility and commit to action. Clean questions help you to do that. It’s important that suggestions are phrased in such a way that people think for themselves.

So a clean question that directs a client to think carefully for himself or herself might be:

                 

                   ‘I wonder what that’s about?’

Curiosity may have killed the cat, as the saying goes. We’ve never heard of it killing human beings. A different perspective is: curiosity is the best pathway to understanding. You choose which saying suits you best.

 

Other Neuro-Linguistic Programming titles

 

Amazing Mind Manipulation

See how your mind could be manipulated

Other titles about mind reading