One way to establish rapport, something you've probably been
doing anyway but without thinking about it, is behavioural matching. That means
doing what the other person is doing – or something very similar. If the other
person is sitting, you take a seat instead of standing. If the other is
speaking with a soft voice, you modulate your own. It's what we do unconsciously,
particularly in a new situations: following the other person's lead, a modified
form of Simon Says, without being aware that we're doing it.
By becoming aware, which means making the choice to focus
our conscious attention on matching another person, we can draw the other into
a sense of rapport. You do something in order to create in him or her the
feeling that you're kindred beings that you understand. Behavioural matching
actually increases yourself understanding of the other person because you've
aligned yourself with the other, literally put yourself in his or her position,
and the increased understanding isn't pretence; it's real.
This is not the same as mimicking, however, which would
almost have the opposite effect and break the rapport. Mimicking someone,
copying the exact tonality or gait or repeating the words back verbatim is a way
of teasing and making fun. Above all, it conveys disrespect. Instead, you want
to create an environment of respect and understanding with the other person.
Specifically, you match posture, volume, and tempo. If the
person you’re talking to is sitting, you won’t be standing because you don’t
want to be placed at a higher level; it gives the impression that you’re
speaking down, and that would not be the best way relating, to put it mildly.
In business, with personal relationships, or even with new, still undefined
contacts, you want to start out at eye level. If the other person speaks
slowly, it makes sense (and increases rapport) for you to slow down your own
speech; you’ll speak softer or louder, depending on the cues you’re getting.
Matching is like dancing, following someone else’s lead.
Matching creates the experience of being on the same wavelength.
I’m reflecting back what you’re doing so we can dance together; my movements
suggest yours; we’re in tune and in step with each other, seeing eye to eye,
aligned with each other.
When you’re mismatching the behaviour of the other, you’re
out of sync, moving to a different drummer. You’re using a different tempo- or
volume or posture- and it’s almost guaranteed to antagonise the other person so
much that your communication has no real chance of getting through.
For example: You’re a Realtor, trying to convince someone to
buy a house. They’re leaning forward and speaking slowly, and you're leaning back and speaking fast. No rapport. No sale. No
way.
You, the Realtor, are a city person, used to a hurried pace
and to the distance city folk migh like to put between themselves. Your clients
are country people, used to slower ways, more time, intimacy. If you move your
upper body forward, giving the impression that you’re really interested and
that you have lots of time to hear them out, and speak in a slow, deliberative
way, chances are good they’ll want to buy from you. If not this property, for
sure the next.
