Cleaning Up Your Language

from Neuro-linguistic Programming for Dummies by Romilla Ready and Kate Burton

Have you ever wondered how many questions you ask that make assumptions based on what you want, and your map of reality, rather than what the other person wants? As human beings it’s very hard not to project our ideas, our needs, our wants, and enthusiasms on to others – especially those closest to us. Your influence other people all the time. You just can’t help it. For that reason, most questions are not clean – they assume something, as in the famous 

                   ‘When did you stop beating your wife?’ question.

Even the one small word beating will have different meanings for each of us. Did you think of beating in the context of physical violence or did you think of it in the competitive sense of winning at a sport or game?

Therapists go into many years of training to work with their clients like a ‘clean’ mirror that can simply reflect the client’s issues back to them to deliberate on. Some get to shine brighter than others! After all, you already know how much you can communicate just through one raised eyebrow or suppressed giggle. (This was why Freud had his clients lying on a couch while he, as the therapist, sat behind the client’s head.

If you want to be respectful of other people’s views, then notice how well you can avoid prejudicing the result of a discussion. Are you telling somebody else what to do based on what you would do yourself?

Listen for what you say and if you hear yourself issuing instructions that begin with the words like: you must, you should, you ought to, you can’t – then it’s time to stop directing the action and imposing your stance on others.

Let’s suppose you are coaching someone. Maybe it’s a colleague, a friend, or a member of your family. In coaching session, it’s essential to begin with a clear aim in mind. So you might ask:

               ‘What do we want to work on today?’

The question is simple, direct, and focuses attention on the fact that you’re working on something.

Coaching is about exploring and challenging clients, leading them on to take responsibility and commit to action. Clean questions help you to do that. It’s important that suggestions are phrased in such a way that people think for themselves.

So a clean question that directs a client to think carefully for himself or herself might be:

                 

                   ‘I wonder what that’s about?’

Curiosity may have killed the cat, as the saying goes. We’ve never heard of it killing human beings. A different perspective is: curiosity is the best pathway to understanding. You choose which saying suits you best.

 

Other Neuro-Linguistic Programming titles

 

Amazing Mind Manipulation

See how your mind could be manipulated

Other titles about mind reading

Universal Gesture

The Shoulder Shrug is also a good example of a universal gesture that is used to show that a person doesn't know or doesn't understand what you are saying. It's a multiple gesture that has three main parts: exposed palms to show nothing is being concealed in the hands, hunched shoulders to protect the throat from attack and raised brow which is a universal, submissive greeting.

Just as verbal language differs from culture to culture, so some body language signals can also differ. Whereas one gesture may be common in a particular culture and have a clear interpretation, it may be meaningless in another culture or even have a completely different meaning.

Other titles about Universal Gesture

 

Why Smiling Is Contagious

The remarkable thing about a smile is that when you give it to someone, it causes them to reciprocate by returning the smile, even when you are both using fake smiles.
 

Professor Ulf Dimberg at Uppsala University, Sweden, conducted an experiment that revealed how your unconscious mind exerts direct control of your facial muscles. Using equipment that picks up electrical signals from muscle fibres, he measured the facial muscle activity on 120 volunteers while they were exposed to pictures of both happy and angry faces. They were told to make frowning, smiling or expressionless faces in response to what they saw. Sometimes the face they were told to attempt was the opposite of what they saw - meeting a smile with a frown, or a frown with a smile. The results showed that the volunteers did not have total control over their facial muscles. While it was easy to frown back at a picture of an angry man, it was much more difficult to pull a smile. Even though volunteers were trying consciously to control their natural reactions, the twitching in their facial muscles told a different story - they were mirroring the expressions they were seeing, even when they were trying not to. 

Professor Ruth Campbell, from University College London, believes there is a 'mirror neuron' in the brain that triggers the part responsible for the recognition of faces and expressions and causes an instant mirroring reaction. In other words, whether we realise it or not, we automatically copy the facial expressions we see.
 

This is why regular smiling is important to have as a part of your body language repertoire, even when you don't feel like it, because smiling directly influences other people's attitudes and how they respond to you.

In over 30 years of studying the sales and negotiating process we have found that smiling at the appropriate time, such as during the opening stages of a negotiating situation where people are sizing each other up, produces a positive response on both sides of the table that gives more successful outcomes and higher sales ratios.

Science has proved that the more you smile, the more positive reactions others will give you.

  

The Wandering Eye: Breaking Eye Contact

Avoiding or breaking eye contact can indicate a variety of things. In many instances, it’s a sign of submission or discomfort. Although your instinct may be to run away from unpleasant situations or feelings, fleeing in panic isn’t really an option in everyday life because as humans, we aim to cooperate. (Unless, of course, the other person is threatening physical violence, in which case you run in the opposite direction as fast as your legs can take you!) On the other hand, at times avoiding someone’s gaze gives you a great deal of strength, appeal, and allure. It’s all a matter of whose eyes you’re avoiding and how you do it that creates the effect and determines the response. The following are the common reasons why humans avoid eye contact, knowingly or not:

• To ‘flee’ from an encounter: Evading someone’s glance, gaze, or stare is a defensive, protective action. It’s a form of fleeing from an interaction that stirs up in you a ‘fight or flight’ response. When you think you’re going to lose – whether it’s an argument or gaining someone’s attention – you unconsciously withdraw from the encounter by pulling your eyes away. Looking away from another person, avoiding someone’s gaze, and averting your eyes makes you look smaller. People who feel uncomfortable unconsciously make rapid and frequent eye movements, indicating that they’d rather scuttle away than stay where they are.

• As a sign of submission: When you look away from a person who makes you feel ill at ease you’re relinquishing your power and giving it over to that person.

• To avoid confrontation: As soon as a sign of confrontation appears, anxious people reduce the amount of time they spend looking at the person with whom they’re disagreeing. When you’re feeling anxious you avoid looking at another person. Your eyes search for escape routes where you can in effect hide from what’s going on rather than seek a solution. When it looks as if trouble’s brewing between two people and you sense one of them is going to lose, don’t be surprised if you see that person avert her gaze to remove the dominant person from sight.

• As a sign of uncomfortable feelings: People who are feeling ashamed, embarrassed, or sad, deliberately look away.

• To prompt another person’s attention: Pulling your eyes away from someone can show that you’re interested in her. This behaviour is part of the flirtation process and encourages the other person to go after you. If you do withdraw your eyes for this purpose make sure that you look back frequently.

Other titles about eye contacts

     

When Feet Shift Direction, Particularly Toward or Away from a Person or Object (by Joe Navarro)

We tend to turn toward things we like or are agreeable to us, and that includes individuals with whom we are interacting. In fact, we can use this information to determine whether others are happy to see us or would prefer that we leave them alone. Assume you are approaching two people engaged in a conversation. These are individuals you have met before, and you want to join in the discussion, so you walk up to them and say “hi.” The problem is that you’re not sure if they really want your company. Is there a way to find out? Yes. Watch their feet and torso behavior. If they move their feet - along with their torsos - to admit you, then the welcome is full and genuine. However, if they don’t move their feet to welcome you but, instead, only swivel at the hips to say hello, then they’d rather be left alone.

We tend to turn away from things that we don’t like or that are disagreeable to us. Studies of courtroom behavior reveal that when jurors don’t like a witness, they turn their feet toward the nearest exit. From the waist up, the jurors politely face the witness who is speaking, but will turn their feet toward the natural “escape route”- such as the door leading to the hallway or the jury room.

What is true for jurors in a courtroom is also true for person-to-person interactions in general. From the hips up, we will face the person with whom we are talking. But if we are displeased with the conversation, our feet will shift away, toward the nearest exit. When a person turns his feet away, it is normally a sign of disengagement, a desire to distance himself from where he is currently positioned. When you are talking with someone and you note that he gradually or suddenly shifts his feet away from you, this is information you need to process. Why did the behavior take place? Sometimes it is a signal that the person is late for an appointment and really has to go; other times it is a sign that the person no longer wants to be around you. Perhaps you have said something offensive or done something annoying. The shifting foot behavior is a sign that the person wants to depart. However, now it is up to you - based on the circumstances surrounding the behavior - to determine why the individual is anxious to go.

 I think the guy on the left is in a rush!

Books by Joe Navarro 

Want to Send a Strong Rapport-Building Message with Proxemics?

With you walk near someone else's space, pause and stay out of it. Initiate your conversation and then about 30 seconds into the conversation, open your palm to their chair in front of you.

“May I?”

You've now been authorised into their space.

Typically, the person doesn't feel comfortable at this point.

Stay with your back in the chair.

Talk about something that does not require the privacy of a really soft spoken voice.

Then when you are going to communicate something that is of greater concern, lean forward a bit in the chair.

This will show respect, appreciation, and liking for your counterpart.

 Books about gestures in business communications