De-coding Dress Codes 101

Want to Know If Someone Likes You?

Published on May 21, 2011 by Norman Li, M.B.A., Ph.D. in The Bottom Line

Ever wondered if someone you're attracted to likes you or not, whether someone is your friend or foe, or whether your employees respect you? There's an easy way to find out... try to make them laugh. If the laughter comes easy, the answer is likely yes. If it doesn't, the answer is likely no.

In my bachelor days, I spent many years slowly learning about the ins and outs of the mating market. Somewhere along the way, I noticed one fairly consistent dynamic: whenever a woman I recently met and was talking to would say to me, "You're really funny!", she would always be up for going out with me. In contrast, if I asked someone out who had not laughed at my ever-so-witty remarks, I would often hear about a mysterious boyfriend or busy schedule.

In my first corporate job, I was working on a project team for a few months where I didn't really like my two supervisors all that much. Although I never explicitly told them that, I may have nonetheless communicated my disdain: I didn't laugh at their jokes. To me, they were mostly lame, sometimes offensive. However, the other guys on the project team would always laugh as if the supervisors were highly skilled entertainers. The implications became clear on the day that we all received our performance reviews. While those other guys were smiling at their glowing reviews, I was left wondering whether my subpar appraisal might've been better had I laughed at any of those jokes.

Many years later in grad school (my advisor was Prof. Douglas Kenrick -- now, there's a truly funny guy), I transformed these and many related observations into a psychological theory on humor. I proposed that humor may have evolved as a way to indicate interest toward potential and existing relationships with romantic partners, friends, allies, family members, etc. That is, people initiate humor and gauge the reaction in order to test the social waters. And, just as you're more likely to dab your foot into the pool if you're actually contemplating a swim, you are more likely to be interested in some kind of relationship with a person if you initiate any kind of humor towards them. If the other person is also interested, they should be more likely to perceive you as humorous and respond favorably (laugh), even if you're objectively not all that funny. However, if they're really not interested, then they probably won't find humor in what you say, even if it's your best material.

When we meet new people, it may take a while to figure out whether a relationship (of any kind) is desirable. By initiating humor and responding to it, we can indicate the direction of our interest a little at a time. Similarly, for ongoing relationships, people may have a need to monitor how the relationships are going. Humorous exchange among existing partners or friends allows people to indicate whether they are satisfied or aligned with each other. For example, while working on this theory back in 2002, I noticed one day that my romantic partner was no longer laughing at some of the silly little things that I said or did that used to make her laugh. I told her all about the theory but she insisted that her lack of laughter had nothing to do with dissatisfaction -- she was just worried about other things. Well, a few months later, the relationship crumbled: we separated and never got back together. It turns out that the time when she started not laughing at my jokes was exactly when she started confiding in others.

Humor may serve many functions, but the "interest indicator" theory says that an important one is to indicate relationship interest, whether among potential or ongoing mates, friends, and allies, or among family members. In this way, a humorous exchange feels good because it indicates that the people who we like also like us. On the flipside, a failed humor attempt can sting not necessarily because our joke is being rejected but because we are being rejected.

My colleagues and I ran three studies to test this theory in the mating domain (Li, Griskevicius, Durante, Jonason, Pasisz, & Aumer, 2009). Take a look for more details or listen here. In the meantime, take notice of who makes you laugh and who you are able to make laugh. Just as importantly, beware of those who aren't laughing.

Acing The Interview: How To Score That New Job

Body Language by Telenor Mobile

How to communicate with babies and toddlers

(By pbsparents.org)

Babies don’t always understand words. But you can still communicate with your baby using tone of voice, touch and body language. 

Touch, cuddle and sing softly to your baby. These are first forms of communication. When babies cry, you can reassure them with your presence and a comforting, soothing tone. Babies respond to the emotions you’re communicating through what they see, hear and feel. They react to your sadness, tension, happiness or satisfaction.

Be aware that tone and body language make a difference. When babies hear ‘Stop!’ they’ll sometimes cry. This is because they’re reacting to the sharpness and volume of your command. In the same way, a soft, loving ‘good night’ when you’re tucking your baby into bed will comfort your child because of the soothing tone.

Stay physically connected. This is another way to communicate. Babies like being close to their parents. Holding them next to your body communicates reassurance and comfort. A carrier or sling also allows you to move around and carry on with your life.

Don’t be surprised if your baby cries when you’re on the phone. A baby knows when you’re not paying attention. Baby also knows how to get that attention back. Wailing can come at inconvenient times, but being aware of what’s causing your baby’s reactions might help you stay patient and deal with your baby in the moment.

Turn baby talk into a two-way conversation. Invite responses from your baby. Singing and chanting nursery rhymes are good ways to play with sound. They invite your baby to make a pleasing stream of sounds that eventually lead to talking.

Extend sounds and words to help children develop language skills. If your toddler says ‘Go home’, you might extend this thought by saying, ‘You want to go home. We can leave in a few minutes’.

Even if you’re not sure how much your child understands, talk anyway! Just like holding and kissing, words are an important way of staying in contact with your baby. They’ll help your baby begin to attach feelings and thoughts to sounds.

Play a sound game 

Babies learn to communicate not only through the words you say, but by what you do, how you hold and touch them and respond to their needs. If you hear your baby make a sound like ‘Oh’ you might echo and extend it with an ‘Oh, ah, oh’. Soon you will be having a back-and-forth game of sound.
– Gillian McNamee, PhD, Director of Teacher Education, Erikson Institute

Three Ways to Listen. Remember the Three Monkeys?

You remember the three monkeys: see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.  Well, we propose an alternative: see to reveal, hear to reveal and speak to reveal.

See To Reveal or Listen With Your Eyes

When you see the person who is speaking, the attendant facial expressions often clarify what you hear. On the other hand, you’ve probably noticed when you are conversing over the phone, that it’s easy to unintentionally talk over the person on the other end.  When the speaker is kidding, you can’t see the twinkling eyes that cue you that the statement is meant as a joke.  Likewise, when the speaker is trying to choke back tears, you miss the strong feeling behind the message.

When you have the opportunity to converse face-to-face, pay attention to the facial expressions, as well as other signals that can be sent by the stance or gesture and posture. If you think listening means only hearing words, you ignore the rich part of the message that comes to you non-verbally. See what you hear.  See what is revealed.

Hear to Reveal or Listen With Your Ears

This sounds obvious, but it’s actually problematic.  Often we hear but don’t listen.  Perhaps background noise inhibits our ability to hear.  Sometimes we hear but we let our minds wander, so we may hear without listening. Sometimes, we psychologically block out messages that we find uncomfortable. We are particularly guilty of hearing words but not the feelings behind the words. We miss the vocal tones and feelings the words express. See how much is revealed when you hear both words and feelings.

Speak to Reveal or Listen With Your Mouth

Listen with your mouth? Doesn’t that sound like an oxymoron?  Weren’t you told to “shut your mouth and listen?” Psychologists Dr. Carl Rogers and Dr. Thomas Gordon developed the concept of “active listening.” That means that after we listen, we respond with words from our mouth that assure the speaker that we understood. It usually encourages the speaker to say more.

Sometimes the words are simple, like “I see,” “Oh,” or “That’s interesting.”  Using our mouths can further the “art of listening” by asking a clarifying question: “Are you saying that…?” or “I think you’re saying . . ., is that right?” It is most powerful when we use our mouths to let the speaker know we’ve heard the feelings behind the words (sometimes only communicated non-verbally), as in “That’s scary, isn’t it?” or “I sense that your uncomfortable about this assignment.”  Speak to the speaker and reveal what you have heard.

That’s it for today.  Try these ideas and give us YOUR thoughts.

Carolyn Shadle, PhD, and John Meyer, PhD

What You Wish You'd Know Before Your Job Interview