Cleaning Up Your Language

from Neuro-linguistic Programming for Dummies by Romilla Ready and Kate Burton

Have you ever wondered how many questions you ask that make assumptions based on what you want, and your map of reality, rather than what the other person wants? As human beings it’s very hard not to project our ideas, our needs, our wants, and enthusiasms on to others – especially those closest to us. Your influence other people all the time. You just can’t help it. For that reason, most questions are not clean – they assume something, as in the famous 

                   ‘When did you stop beating your wife?’ question.

Even the one small word beating will have different meanings for each of us. Did you think of beating in the context of physical violence or did you think of it in the competitive sense of winning at a sport or game?

Therapists go into many years of training to work with their clients like a ‘clean’ mirror that can simply reflect the client’s issues back to them to deliberate on. Some get to shine brighter than others! After all, you already know how much you can communicate just through one raised eyebrow or suppressed giggle. (This was why Freud had his clients lying on a couch while he, as the therapist, sat behind the client’s head.

If you want to be respectful of other people’s views, then notice how well you can avoid prejudicing the result of a discussion. Are you telling somebody else what to do based on what you would do yourself?

Listen for what you say and if you hear yourself issuing instructions that begin with the words like: you must, you should, you ought to, you can’t – then it’s time to stop directing the action and imposing your stance on others.

Let’s suppose you are coaching someone. Maybe it’s a colleague, a friend, or a member of your family. In coaching session, it’s essential to begin with a clear aim in mind. So you might ask:

               ‘What do we want to work on today?’

The question is simple, direct, and focuses attention on the fact that you’re working on something.

Coaching is about exploring and challenging clients, leading them on to take responsibility and commit to action. Clean questions help you to do that. It’s important that suggestions are phrased in such a way that people think for themselves.

So a clean question that directs a client to think carefully for himself or herself might be:

                 

                   ‘I wonder what that’s about?’

Curiosity may have killed the cat, as the saying goes. We’ve never heard of it killing human beings. A different perspective is: curiosity is the best pathway to understanding. You choose which saying suits you best.

 

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